The Grammys or the Yawnys?

The Grammys. Let’s talk about the Grammys. Aside from being the longest, most boring awards show on the planet, the Grammys often plays host to some of the most questionable fashion choices. Let’s start with the best dressed:

1) Alicia Keys is often notorious for her fashion faux pas at the Grammys, but this year she looked stunning in her custom-designed black lace Armani halter gown. While she doesn’t have much to offer in the cleavage department, she fuses sexy and classy in this gorgeous ensemble. Okay, who am I kidding as I try to sound like a pretentious fashion critic? She’s hot, end of story.

2) Christina Milian pushed the envelope with this Max Azaria gown. (Then again, she’ll show up to the opening of said envelope). Not too hoochy, but revealing enough. I bet Nick Cannon is kicking himself in the head for letting her get away. The dress screams female superhero to me—hotter than Wonder Woman? Her abs certainly say so.

3) Beyoncé. I heart you. Ain’t nobody more bootylicious and bootyful than you. You know it, yet you play it off like you don’t. I love it. Girlfriend also looked like she dropped some pounds. Gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

4) John Legend. Multiple Grammy-award winning John Legend. Why am I hardly surprised that he showed up in a slick white suit like he was Diddy? The man looked sharp—perhaps the best dressed man in the house. He and Alicia Keys need to just make some babies or something.

Now onto my “interestingly dressed” list. Not quite bad, but not quite good. Perhaps questionably dressed?

1) Kanye West either decided to harness his inner Prince or raid the closet of Earth, Wind and Fire bassist, Verdine White. Kanye, I know you said you’d get mad if you didn’t win Album of the Year, but a cummerbund? Must you torture us so? Your girlfriend's hot though.

2) Gwen Stefani – couture or cavewoman? You decide. But Gwen is Gwen and she’ll wear whatever the hell she wants. It would behoove anyone to criticize her fashion choices. And she’s nearly six months pregnant. Now for the collective “Awwwwwwwwwwww.”

3) Now I love me some Kelly Clarkson. And I loved her from the waist up in her perfectly fitted black strapless gown. But from the bottom, it looked like a herd of black sheep was grazing by her ankles.

4) I had the same issue with Mariah Carey's performance ensemble. Gorgeous from the thighs up, just a mess from the thighs down. It’s as if she was unsure whether she wanted to expose her legs so she had some sheer fabric stapled to her dress. And what was up with the hippy hair? Cut that shit, Mimi.

5) So I have no idea who Donni Rae is, but she decided to make us want to know who she is as she pop-locked her booty up and down the green carpet last night. And it was quite clear that she wasn’t wearing any unmentionables as she showed off what I hope weren’t rips in her dress.

6) Was Ciara going for the 10-year-old-going-to-a-birthday-party look or Southern girl charm? I was confused by this choice. Ciara has such a rockin’ body that I would’ve expected her to show it off a little more. Ah, well. She’s young--perhaps the next Janet Jackson? I’ll give her another chance.

And the “Worst Dressed” award goes to:

Oh, Teri Hatcher. Teri, I love you, you’re adorable, but this dress should not have seen the light of day. What were you thinking? What was your stylist thinking? Again, what were you thinking? Although I was relieved to know you were wearing undies, it’s not something I need verified with my own eyes. What a mess.

And as big a fan as I am of Madonna, I can't let her escape so easily. This . . . is . . . just . . . so . . . wrong. Knee-high boots must never be worn with dresses. This look just makes me sad.

Now about the awards. I can’t say I’m mad about any of the awards handed out. I figured John Legend and Kanye West would clean up. But clearly the surprise of the night was U2 picking up a couple of the night’s major awards, including Album of the Year and Song of the Year. I was also surprised that Green Day won Record of the Year for Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I thought Mariah or Kanye would grab that.

But we need not feel sorry for Mariah and Kanye as they both took home three Grammys a piece.

I was as happy as a pig in shit when Kelly Clarkson won for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance and Best Pop Vocal Album. Her reaction alone was priceless. She did everything except seizure and faint on stage at the sound of her name. She has really set herself apart from American Idol. She’s her own artist now, not a product of a TV show. Kudos to her!

Onto the performances. Madonna and the Gorillaz opened the show. If I could only have Madonna’s legs and Christina Milian’s abs. Sigh. Anyways, they were great. I loved how Madonna was superimposed on the screen with the Gorillaz, an animated band. Very neat. Did I mention her legs? The leotard is back, ya'll.

I enjoyed Kelly’s rendition of “Because of You,” especially at the end when her voice cracked a bit from all that choked-up emotion. Mariah sounded wonderful singing “We Belong Together” and “Fly Like a Bird,” but the hand thing must stop. John Legend was a breath of fresh air as he sang “Ordinary People” while playing the piano. And Christina Aguilera was simply divine (and a vocal show-off).

U2 and Mary J. Blige were quite good as well, though I enjoy Mary’s rendition of U2’s “One” more on her latest album than I did live. Sounded a little shaky.

I found Kanye and Jamie Foxx rather odd. First Destiny’s Child. Then Gwen Stefani. Must we experience another Drumline tribute?

Jay-Z and Linkin Park with the surprise appearance by Paul McCartney on stage was pretty awesome.

As for the Sly Stone tribute, it was alright. Joss Stone seems to enjoy performing other artists’ songs more so than her own, and barefoot no less. I’m surprised 9827347-year old Sly Stone didn’t keel over from the weight of his blond Mohawk.

I was rather bored by other performances, as I’m not a fan of Coldplay, Sugarland, Bruce Springsteen, Keith Urban, or Paul McCartney. I also skipped out on the tribute to the Hurricane Katrina victims as my bed was calling my name.

Overall, the Grammys were alright. Nothing terribly mind-blowing. Congratulations to all the winners. And might we try to dress a bit better next time? Oh yeah, and please hand out more awards at the ceremony with a few less tribute performances. K? Thanks.

(Source: E! Online, MSNBC, & Getty Images)