Oscar the Bore

Could the 78th Academy Awards have been anymore dull? Anymore painful? Anymore unsurprising? Even host Jon Stewart’s jokes fell flat more than a few times with the “glamorous” audience.

Most exciting moment? Jennifer Garner made her first public appearance since birthing Violet Anne Affleck and tripped on her dress as she walked on stage to present an award. Fortunately (or unfortunately) she gracefully recovered, thanking her expertise in stunt work.

Ooops? (Great breasts, BTW.)

Funniest moment? Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell presenting the award for Best Makeup. Just take a look at the photo below. Bronzer and fake eyelashes—‘nuff said.

Second funniest moment? Ben Stiller exploring the wonders of green-screen technology as he prances around the stage in a neon green bodysuit. "Yes, we still see your body, Ben. No, your head is still attached to your body, Ben. Yes, I do see you opening up that envelope, Ben." Just priceless.

Biggest reason to gouge my eyes out? Montage upon montage upon montage—the most brilliant of which chronicled western films that suggest a recurrence of gayness (as seen in this year's Brokeback Mountain—perhaps not the first gay cowboy film?). Imagine this: the show could be an hour shorter without sequences of clips from films that I’m never actually going to watch. Film noir? What?

Can’t say there were many (or any) award upsets. As hotly contested as the categories for costume design and sound editing are, I’m pretty sure few punches were thrown backstage. I damn near correctly predicted all the major categories, with exception of Best Picture, which went to Crash (I picked Brokeback Mountain, as did 99% of the world). Philip Seymour Hoffman was a shoo-in for Best Actor in Capote, and I knew either Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line) or Felicity Huffman (Transamerica) would take home Best Actress. (Reese won.)

If there was one moment that I could’ve done without (and I had to choose one moment—not the entire show), I would’ve nixed the Three 6 Mafia performance of “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” from Hustle & Flow. There are some things in life that are just unnecessary. I’m a hip-hop fan. I own many a rap CD. But I think Jon Stewart said it best when he joked, “For those of you keeping score at home—Three 6 Mafia, 1, Martin Scorsese, 0.” That’s right, the “mafia” won for Best Original Song From a Movie. ::bangs head against the computer screen::

Screw the awards. What do we really care about the most? Fashion!

Unfortunately I failed to watch the red carpet pre-show, but there weren’t too many fashion disasters at this year’s Oscars. I’ll run through a list of my favorite choices, best and worst.

BEST DRESSED

1) Salma Hayek
Going colorful is often viewed as bold and risqué. But there are good risks and bad risks. Here’s an example of good. The teal color looked amazing as did Salma and her boobs. She accentuated all of the right areas, which are her entire curvaceous body. What I would give . . .

2) Jessica Alba
Just to clarify—this is a fashion critique, not an acting critique. I hear that Jessica is tired of taking her clothes off in front of the camera and wants to be taken seriously as an actor. Well, I got news for you, sweetheart. I can’t say I feel bad for you pretty people. No one cares about your acting, especially when you look this good. My advice? Go ugly like Charlize Theron in Monster. Anyways, Jessica looked amazing. Gold really suits her gorgeous skin tone. She can do no wrong.

3) Jennifer Lopez
I don’t think J.Lo has ever worn something I didn’t like. The green is stunning on her. Girlfriend got a tan. And who the hell is saying she’s pregnant? There’s no way her booty and a pregnant belly could fit into that dress. Absolutely not.

4) Nicole Kidman
If it weren’t for her blonde hair and blue eyes, I’d mistake her for a geisha. Nicole is a porcelain doll. She’s so proud to be ivory that she wears a dress to match. Love it.

5) Felicity Huffman
Forget Marcia Cross, Teri Hatcher, and Eva Longoria. Felicity is hot stuff and she looked fabulous at the Academy Awards in her little black number. You work that cleavage, girl! Even if you don’t have much, work it anyway!

6) Reese Witherspoon
I wasn’t a fan of the vintage Chanel (or not-so-vintage Chanel as we later learned) that she wore to the Golden Globes a month ago. But I will say that Reese looked stunning at the Oscars. And she was even more beautiful when she accepted her Best Actress award. Reese couldn’t be more of a sweetheart. And her husband is hot, too!

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Uma Thurman

Keira Knightly

Hilary Swank

BEST DRESSED COUPLE

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith

Absolutely fabulous. These two are always the most well-coordinated, fashionable couple at every event. I love that blue color on Jada. And Will is such a freakin’ cutie, I could just eat him up—if Jada would let me.

WORST DRESSED

1) Naomi Watts
Is it me or did Naomi steal the tattered dress she wore in King Kong? Unless her stylist thought it would be an excellent idea to run the frock through a paper shredder. Poor and homeless is not a good look.

2) Charlize Theron
Who thought it would be a good idea that Charlize should attend the Oscars as gift wrap? Honestly, was the ginormous bow really necessary? Whenever I look at this photo, I just want to tear it off. The bow is about to eat her head! She looks fantastic otherwise. But the bow must go!

3) Michelle Williams
I’m not sure what’s worse—the canary yellow dress or the red lipstick. Either way, this look was a total disaster. It’s never a good idea to look like a bottle of Golden’s Mustard. All she’s missing is a yellow beak and feathers. Wait, I think I just noticed the feathers.

Not much else to say about the Academy Awards. My congratulations to all the winners. My apologies to all the losers. My advise to the show and losers? Try to suck less next time around. And Reese, whatever you do, do NOT develop Superhero Syndrome. Catwoman and Aeon Flux--need I say more? Winning an Oscar does not mean you need to save the world. Thanks.

(Source: E! Online)