Top Ten People Who Must Disappear From the Galaxy

I’m a celebrity gossip whore. There, I confess. I read the blogs. I hear the sleaze reports. I glance at the tabloids.

Perhaps it makes me feel better about myself. In fact, it does. What better way to get a good laugh when you see über-rich pop star Britney Spears walking fat (or pregnant) and barefoot into a Port-o-John?

But as much as I love the gossip, there are certain individuals that just need to swan dive off the nearest cliff. I often wonder, why are the media so fascinated with stupid people? Why must I, as a celebrity gossip reader, be oversaturated with news about individuals who contribute nothing to the world at large?

Thus, here’s a list of stupid people I have no use for anymore. Just go away. Your time is up. Get a job.

10) Tara Reid
Gossip has been a bit quiet about Hollywood’s (least) favorite lush. Not sure if she’s trying out a new (read: sober) lifestyle or she’s found the Buddha. Either way, I doubt it’ll last long. Tara was cute when she starred in American Pie. She had the “I’m Little Miss Virgin” role down almost as good as Jessica Simpson (pre-Nick Lachey nuptials). She even seemed somewhat likable when she was dating MTV’s former TRL VJ Carson Daly (remember him?). But one (or more) sketchy boob job and one awful tummy tuck later, Ms. Reid has left nearly zero bars untouched and zero streets uncrawled. She was even the lead boozer on E!’s Taradise, as cameramen followed her around the world as she got smashed in every country. You know, after awhile it does grow somewhat tiresome to watch a bleach-blond airhead with orange skin and boob scars stumble in and out of bars. There’s only so much torture one can withstand.



9) Tom Cruise
Look, I don’t care if Tom Cruise is gay, straight, transgender, a monkey, or whatever. I’ve heard all of the rumors. Is the TomKat baby a phantom? We’ll know within the next few weeks. Is Scientology a satanic cult? Who cares. Whatever it is, it needs to go away—“it” referring to Cruise’s suspicious hunger for publicity. He can’t be hurting for cash; he’s one of the world’s biggest movie stars. But one of the world’s biggest movie stars has one of the world’s biggest egos. You’d think that after the mega-success of Brokeback Mountain, Cruise would just come out of the closet. But instead, he’s jumping on couches and smiling that big phony smile of his as Katie Holmes carries his phantom child despite reports that they’re separating. That’s one hell of a performance, Mr. Cruise. Someone ought to give you an Academy Award.

8) 50 Cent
People say Kanye West is arrogant. That may very well be true, but at least he backs it up with musical brilliance. Fiddy, on the other hand, talks so much shit about everyone else as if his shit don’t stink. He claims Kanye is successful because of him. Hello? Remember Eminem? You know, the most successful (and perhaps most talented) rapper in the world? He discovered you. He signed you. He made you. People only give a shit about you now because Eminem gave a shit about you. Kanye and Eminem have won multiple Grammys. And you, 50? Let’s see, you tried the bootleg version of 8 Mile with Get Rich or Die Tryin’, which did L-O-U-S-Y at the box office. You start beefs with everyone and their mommas and poppas. You openly bash gays—something Kanye has spoken out against. And you oversaturate the market with G-Unit crap—books, clothing, sneakers, video games, and soon, sex toys. Why don’t you do something useful with your time, like actually read one of your books.

7) Lindsay Lohan
I just don’t get the fascination. She starred in, what, one successful movie and suddenly she’s Hollywood’s “It” girl? Why do we care so much about her? Is it her alcoholic father and screwed-up childhood? Or is it because she’s a 12-year-old whore who likes to partake in underage drinking and dancing on tabletops at the hottest clubs and parties? Tabloids have linked her to every older male celebrity, from Jared Leto and Leonardo DiCaprio to Bruce Willis and Benicio Del Toro. She’s been in more car accidents by the age of 19 than any NASCAR driver. Why do I have to see photos of her at every major movie premiere? Besides herself and her poor fashion taste, what could she be promoting? That’s right—she’s a serious actress. Oh, go eat something.





6) Vanessa Minnnillo
Most of you probably don’t even know who this wench is, so allow me to educate you. In addition to being an attention whore, Vanessa is a former Miss Teen USA (which I’m sure had absolutely nothing to do with why MTV hired her as a TRL VJ). She is also a correspondent on Entertainment Tonight, probably because of her journalistic brilliance (how noble of her to wear a fat suit to experience what’s it like to be ugly and obese for a day) and her wonderful knack for asking the hard-hitting questions (“Hey Vin [Diesel], how long did it take you get that hot six-pack for XXX?”). And she’s been linked to every male celebrity, most notably Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees. (Obviously, not something that would make me her number one fan.) But why do I really despise her? Because she considers herself a celebrity. Of course, she denies this or gets all coy when someone suggests it. But we all know your agenda. You would show up to the opening of a pickle jar. You flirt with every male guest on TRL, from the Jonas Brothers (what are they, 10 years old?) to Will Smith (who is happily married) just for the attention. And even more annoying, anytime you interview a guest, you have this irritating habit of interrupting and touching said guest. Maybe you have Turrets Syndrome and you can’t help your ticks, but I’m thinking celebrities would appreciate it more if you didn’t stroke their chests or make the interviews about you. It’s just a shame when pretty girls like Vanessa feel the need to dumb themselves down to get attention. Oh, and you're Filipino, so enough with the ghetto talk like you from 'da hood.

5) Britney Spears
Oye, where do I begin? This is the moment in which I feel bad for American Idol rejects who are actually talented singers. Anyone know why Britney is a recording artist? Yeah, she’s got a handful of catchy hits, but I could sing them better. Questionable talent aside, this girl has made more headlines for her stupidity and personal life than any of her musical “achievements.” She’s married to a deadbeat Vanilla Ice wannabe (Kevin Federline, K-Fed, K-Fag, whatever you prefer). She’s now a new mommy who has a penchant for driving with child on her lap and changing said child’s diapers on restaurant tables as disgruntled diners look on. And now the tabloids are playing the “Britney: Pleasantly Plump or Pleasantly Pregnant” game (I pray for the former). Lest me not forget that she was recently treated at a hospital for a wound to her foot—while walking barefoot upon the Hawaiian streets, she stepped on a hypodermic needle. Possible Mensa candidate? Britney has basically become the epitome of white trailer park trash—the only difference being that she lives in a gazillion-dollar Malibu mansion with maids, nannies, and her mom to help her raise little Sean Preston. Every few months Britney claims she’s taking a break from her whirlwind career. Well, then take one! Take all the time you need! In fact, disappear! I hear Siberia is gorgeous this time of year!

4) All Reality TV Personalities
I have a message for anyone who has ever participated in a reality TV show (e.g., "Real World", "Survivor", "The Bachelor", etc.)—get a friggin’ job! You’re not celebrities. You’re losers without any future agenda. You couldn’t spell “I.Q.” so you figured you’d make a career for yourself by eating tarantulas on "Fear Factor." How lovely. And what’s worse is that we, as reality TV viewers, give you fools the attention you crave. We tune in week after week to watch Tonya cry in the corner as Rachel and Veronica make fun of her boob job on "Real World/Rules: Battle of the Sexes." Reality TV is out of control. It creates celebrities out of untalented, unintelligent retards who know only how to look pretty on TV. Case in point—number three on my list.





3) “Laguna Beach” cast
Kristin Cavallari. Talan Torriero. LC. Steven. Why do we care about these spoiled idiotic teenagers? Why are even dumber teenagers drooling over the drama that unfolds amongst these wankers? Steven parties because it’s his only "job" (he will be featured with All-American Rejects’ lead singer Tyson in an MTV Spring Break show, which basically pays them to have the ultimate spring break trip—read: they get drunk and enjoy SkankFest). Talan wants to be taken seriously as a musician. Long pause. Okay, next. LC will be starring in a “Laguna Beach” spin-off called “The Hills,” which will chronicle her dramatic life as an intern at Teen Vogue and student at LA’s Fashion Institute of Technology. I bet “Laguna Beach” had absolutely nothing to do with this nice opportunity. (After all, why should “ordinary” folks like myself, who have actual journalism backgrounds, get internships at popular magazines? That wouldn’t make any sense.) Lest we forget about Kristin? She’s just little miss “It” girl these days, even without any acting experience whatsoever. She’s appeared on a handful of magazine covers, including Seventeen. She gets access to most of the big Hollywood parties. She got to host UPN’s “Get This Party Started,” which was unfortunately cancelled after one episode (I couldn’t imagine why). She even recently appeared as a lesbian cheerleader on an episode of “Veronica Mars.” My heart goes out to all you starving artists out there.

2) George W. Bush
Is there really any need for an explanation?


















1) Paris Hilton
My #1 choice should come as no surprise. I mean, what is up with this Paris Hilton crap? Why do we even consider her a celebrity? Do we even know what she does for a living (aside from being a professional ass-kisser at every Hollywood party)? It’s a sad state of affairs when your life’s culminating moment includes a sex tape and reruns of the Simple Life. Paris is a caricature of herself. Is it really possible to mock yourself on a daily basis? The ginormous sunglasses, the blindingly fake blond hair (sometimes with extensions), the fake and bake orange tan, the flamboyant fashion faux-pas—might I add, fur is not faux. Paris might be the only humanoid bold enough to wear a chinchilla coat while actually carrying around her pet chinchilla (or whatever rat-faced animal she tortures). It’s almost futile to judge her because she doesn’t care. She’s a giant pink force field that allows no ounce of criticism to graze her nose job. “I’m rich, you’re not” is seemingly the mantra she lives by. The girl didn’t graduate from high school or ever hold a real job. But because she’s a bimbo heiress, she gets to record an album. Now that’s hot.

(Photo Sources: Egotastic.com, A Socialite's Life, Style.com, MTV.com)