American Idol Showdown: It's On Bitches!
Will Hicks put out McPhee-ver?


I suck.

I predicted Chris Daughtry would be crowned American Idol of Season 5 yet he only made it as far as the final four. I’m smacking my head as we speak.

But a wrench may have been thrown in, thus ruining my prophecy!

Insiders claim Daughtry didn’t really have the lowest number of votes and that the real reason for his premature exit was because of a lucrative offer, presumably from the band Fuel, who is searching for a new lead singer. This reeks of Mario Vasquez.* But unlike Vasquez, I expect big things from Daughtry.

Apparently American Idol owns its contestants until either the show ends, they’re eliminated, or for an entire year. As a contestant on the show, you’re contractually obligated to be the producers’ bitch. You attend various signings, make appearances at events, film cheesy Ford commercials, and—oh yeah—that American Idol summer tour thing. On the flip side, you’re prohibited from accepting album deals from record companies or any other offers that have zero relation to the show. If you accept an offer, you simply get the boot, which may have happened to Daughtry.

However, I’m not so sure of this. I believe American Idol is rigged to a point, but the viewers do vote and they know who they like. The votes are so close that it’s sometimes hardly shocking when a supposed favorite must pack his/her bags early.

But today I am feeling extra sad because my second favorite, Elliot Yamin, has been eliminated from the competition as well. This young man has a brilliant singing voice and it’s a shame to see him go. However, he lasted way longer than I had expected. Weeks ago I predicted Kellie Pickler might squeeze her orange-ness and fake hair into the final four. But either viewers rid themselves of Pickler-itis (AKA stupidity) or the girl sabotaged herself. For the first time in five seasons of American Idol, we got to enjoy a solid final five—Daughtry, Yamin, Taylor Hicks, Katherine McPhee, and Paris Bennett. I was thrilled. I decided that no matter who won, the show was a success.

Now we are left with Hicks and McPhee—two contestants for whom I predicted magnificent things. But it’s become increasingly clear that Hicks may take the crown. And rightly so.

Hicks is a born entertainer. He loves the stage. He loves the people. He eat, sleeps, and breathes music. He has anointed himself the president of the “Soul Patrol,” a musical movement of sorts. There’s no air of arrogance about this guy. When Hicks performs, you feel like you’re a part of an experience. He dances like he has Turrets and he sings with the kind of raw energy you wish you had every morning after eating a bowl of Wheaties. American Idol is not a competition to him. It’s entertainment, and he genuinely loves it.

Now before I rant on Miss McPhee, let me preface my point by affirming that I most definitely would purchase a Katherine McPhee album. She has a fantastic voice. She deserves a record deal. Her mom is a vocal coach. Blah blah blah. However, here lies the rub: McPhee is inconsistent. She sings the up-tempo numbers with glee and proficiency, but when it’s ballad time, she overreaches. Instead of just singing the damn song, she tries to impress us with her vocal prowess—the runs, the ooohs, her fondness for moving up and down musical scales. While it may be impressive to some, it’s oftentimes a mess. There is a reason for lyrics to a song. At times I like to hear those lyrics. Messy, overly ambitious singing often distracts from a great song.

And while American Idol is a singing competition, people do unfortunately vote on personality. McPhee has been a snarky brat as of late. “You guys have been hard on me the past couple of weeks”—this being her response to the judges’ criticisms. Well, Randy, Paula, and Simon are judges, therefore they must judge you. If you suck, they’re going to tell you that you suck (well, maybe not Paula). Just because you were taught by Mommy the Professional Singer doesn’t mean you’re immune to criticism. You ain’t perfect, sweet cheeks. And lose the phony smiles. We all know that deep down inside you’re a diva and that you think you’re too good for the show.

Americans like to be entertained and prefer humility. Therefore, Taylor Hicks will be our next American Idol.

*Mario Vasquez was a contestant and early favorite on last year’s season of American Idol, but he quit the competition without explanation after making it to the final 12. Rumors swirled that Diddy offered him a deal with Bad Boy Records, but no one has heard from Vasquez since. Sounds like a bad career move!