ATTENTION INCONSIDERATE CELL PHONE (WO)MAN

You’re a dick. You wanna know why you’re a dick? I can tell you why you’re a dick. Listen up.

I don’t appreciate it when I’m walking through the mall and suddenly I see you yelling at me like I’m your stupid wife who doesn’t know how to turn on a computer, and then I realize you’re wearing one of those stupid headsets. I didn’t realize cupping a cell phone to your ear was so challenging. It’s not a Bluetooth that you need. What you need is a muzzle.

I don’t appreciate it when you ignore the signs at the gym that clearly state, “Use of cell phones is prohibited.” It’s a problem when I can hear your obnoxious, rambling conversations about absolutely nothing through my CD player’s headphones, which are at the highest possible volume. Can I send you my otology bills when I go deaf? It’s also a problem when your loud, stupid voice distracts me from completing my 4-mile run on the treadmill. You’re annoying and you need to be banished from all gym facilities.

I don’t appreciate it when you disregard state law that prohibits the use of cell phones while driving. I especially don’t appreciate it when I’m driving through a parking lot and you’re backing out of your spot while chatting on your cell phone, ignoring not one, not two, but three honks of my horn so as you don’t slam into my car. It’s times like these when I fantasize about sitting there as a stupid people such as yourself could back into me, damage both of our cars, and end up paying for twice the damages. You’ll wish the cell phone were never invented.

I don’t appreciate it when you take phone calls from your boyfriend while we’re having a nice meal at a restaurant. Whether it’s weekly, monthly or annually, this is our time to catch up with each other. I shouldn’t be put on hold (pun intended) while you field calls from your beau about tomorrow night’s plans. It’s rude and impolite, and I deserve your attention, not your boyfriend.

I don’t appreciate it when you “forget” to silence your cell phone in class, at the library, in the office, or in any other quiet place. There’s no need for explanation. You’re just dumb if you don’t do it. Who actually appreciates the sound of a cell phone when they’re trying to study for a midterm or grasp a difficult concept in the classroom? Not me, and certainly not your professor or your boss.

And I obviously don’t appreciate it when your cell phone starts ringing in the movie theater during the movie, especially after a commercial advising the silencing of all phones was shown before the movie trailers. Movie theaters should punish these nitwits by the push of not a cell phone button, but a button that launches offenders from their seats into their cars in the parking lot—another place where they shouldn’t be using their cell phone unless stationary.

And just so this column doesn’t prove to be an unhelpful rant against cell phone users, here is a list of times and places where it’s appropriate to use said device.

• A loud public place, such as a mall, is always suitable for chitchat time on your cell phone. But it’s rather bothersome when the conversation must continue at the register. I’m not a cashier, but I doubt they appreciate it when they’re treated as second best to their customers. It’s almost like call waiting, but the other caller is in front of you waiting for you to either pay or end your present call. There’s nothing like watching a cell phone make love to the customer’s neck as she juggles her handbag and mobile device while attempting to exchange payment for goods. “That’s what the headset is for,” you say. But I’m not so sure how the cashier feels when someone is staring her in the face while talking, but not to her. Awkward, eh?
• The gym is appropriate, as long as you remain either in the parking lot or the locker room. Although I rather not hear your conversation with your boyfriend about last night while I’m adjusting my sports bra, the phone serves its purpose while not distracting other individuals.
• The car is only acceptable when you’re not driving. It’s safer. It’s private. It’s not annoying (unless I’m waiting to take your parking spot).
• If you’re in a quiet place, such as the office or library, take your call outside where you’re not disturbing other people. It’s a simple courtesy. Really.
• And of course, although it may defeat its purpose, you can never go wrong with using your cell phone in the privacy of your own home.
  
  So in conclusion, Inconsiderate Cell Phone (Wo)Man, don’t be a dick. Your phony cellular banter doesn’t impress me. Wise the F up; don’t be a schmuck. Thanks.